Turk TV
by Cueball
Summary: Being a Turk can be hard sometimes... Especially with a camera man watching your every move... FFVII Told from the Turks POV's... And Bobs...
1. Hello Bob

"Welcome to the first ever episode of 'Turk TV', the new show from the director and producer of shows such as 'Turk Olympics', 'The After-party' and other blockbusting hits." An over enthusiastic voice drones on through a microphone.

"Over the next few episodes, we will join the two Turks, Reno and Rude, in their daily lives, to find out what Shinra's Department of Administrative Research, more commonly known as the Turks, actually do, and wether or not it's worth your tax money." The voice comes again.

The picture changes from a cartoony Shinra logo, to the two Turks in question, Reno's walking backward and forward, his hand is shaking while he smokes a cigarette, on the floor under him, lies a couple hundred cigarette ends, next to him stands Rude, there's a ladder in front of him, and a cat with a cape and crown is on it, patting a fluffy thing on the Turks face, while he clenches his fist open and closed.

"Yo! I can't believe Tseng's making us do this bloody thing! As soon as it's done, me and Betty are gonna make an-" The red head is cut of from his rant as the cat with a cape and crown, better known as Cait Sith, jumps from the ladder and lands on his shoulder and begins to smack Reno's face with the fluffy thing.

"Somebody's had too much coffee!" The robotic cat shouts excitedly as he pats Reno's face, but of coarse, with Reno smoking, and the amount of make-up on the fluffy thing, it catches fire, which in turn, caused Cait's fake fur to go up too, the little cat jumped from Reno and onto the floor and begins running around the two Turks legs, while screaming:

"I'm on fire! I'm on fire! I'm on fire!" Over and over again, Rude begins to chase it.

"Stand still so I can put you out!" He shouts, the cat complies and Rude is forced to stop his chase, but, because of the speed he was traveling at, the sudden stop, and the flaming Cait Sith hitting his knee, he falls over heavily.

Rude jumps back up a second later, and begins to stomp on the little cat.

"Ow! What - Aw! - Are you - Ow! Doing!" Cait manages to shout.

"Putting the fire out! Reno, help me!" The bald man shouts, his red headed friend grins, and the two Turks begin to stomp on the robotic cat, the fire goes out almost immediately, but the Turks, having too much fun continue to stomp, until somebody clears their throat.

"Um, guys, the cameras running..." The camera man says, whose name happens to be Billy Bob Bobbins' the second, but everybody just calls him Bob... Bob the Camera Man...

"What!" They both shout, they look at each other, then back to the Camera, they look back at each other again, noticing the clown makeup that Cait Sith had plastered to their faces, and shudder, before Reno continues.

"Yo, you better cut this bit out man!"

"Um... Thats a problem... We're going out live..."

The camera drops to the floor suddenly, and a loud war cry sounding something like "Uoryaaa!" rings out, followed by a scream and: "Wait it's not my- OW! My arm doesn't bend that way!"

The screen turns blank for a second, and a picture of a Chocobo whacking it's head on a wall came up, with the words;

'We're having technical difficulties, please bare with us, ShinRa'

**----**

The picture comes back a second later and there's three guys and a broken robotic cat, sat at a table, playing cards.

The tension is so thick, it could be cut with a chain-saw, there's a large pile of money in the center of the table.

The picture shifts from of a close up of Rude, who turns his head to Reno, who in turn, looks toward a brown haired, spotty teenager, who turns to look a still smoking, and almost completely destroyed robot, who looks alot like Cait Sith, only without the fur.

Suddenly, the robotic cat shouts out; "I like pie!" and falls backward, onto the floor. The three men look to each other with confused glances, and as one, they shrug, and look back at their cards.

"Reno... Got any fives?" Bob the camera man asks, and looks at the red head, who's lip twitches, and replies:

"Go fish..."

"Reno... Got any Queens?" Rude asks.

Reno growls, and throws down his cards.

"Dammit, I had seven of the fu-"

He's cut of as a voice shouts out. "Seven! Reno, there should only be four of them in a deck!"

The red head laughs nervously. "Erm... You see... When a mummy card, and a daddy card love each other very much... Bye!" There's a blur and the Turk is gone.

"Screw this, I'm going back to my job." Bob the camera man says, and turns back to his camera. "Well would you look at that! It turned itself on, heh, maybe it's possessed?"

Just then, exorcist music starts playing, and another blur flashes across, the screen. "Possessed? Take dis foo'!" The blur says, and a gunshot rings out, the picture goes of, but the sound remains.

"Dammit Dr. Barett! Are you gonna pop up when ever somebody says possessed?" The deep voice of Rude sounds out.

"Yeah, what off it foo'?"

"Well... It gets annoying..."

"Dr. Barett away!" There's a whooshing noise, and a loud sigh.

"I need a drink." Rude's voice says, there's footsteps, and Bob the camera man sighs...

"Um... I don't know if anybody can hear me... But thats a wrap for today... Join us next time..."

The fuzzy picture and sound end and Cait Sith appears on the screen.

"Well as you can see, we're having technical difficulties... So be sure to tune in next time, which we're going to pre-record..." A deep voice comes out of the little cats mouth, followed by "I like pie!" In it's normal one.

----

A/N: Short. Not my best work, defiantly not compared to some of my other recent stories, but inspiration struck while I was reading a Fic about Cid getting his own TV show, and I needed to write it down.

I'm planning a series out of this, and I needed to start somewhere, still, be sure to review.

Reviewers get magical invisible cookies that come straight from the bottom of Santa's sack. Magical invisible cookies are good, so that means reviews are good, even if it's a flame.

On that note, all flames will be used to cook marshmallows.


	2. The Scarlet Witch

"We here at Shinra would like to extend our apologies for the shortness of the last episode of Turk TV. Due to unforeseen circumstances, we were forced to cut the last episode short, and it has now been decided to pre-record episodes, to avoid future problems. Thank you for your patience." A middle aged man says from behind his desk. "We will join the Turks in their latest episode, after a word from our sponsors."

The picture shifts, and a woman in her late twenties, donning a red dress is shown.

"Hi, I'm Scarlet, and I'd like you to introduce you to my latest invention, the lean, mean, sound reducing, killing machine." Scarlet pulls out a ridiculously oversized handgun, featuring a scope, laser sight, extended clip, gold plating and a chain-saw attachment. She smiles seductively and her teeth 'ping'. Before the weight of the gun makes her fall. She gets back up a second later, struggling to hold the weapon, and continues.

"I'm so proud of it, I put my name on it!" She beams, the camera zooms in on the gun, where there's some text embedded into the barrel, which reads 'Scarlet Witch'.

The camera zooms out, just in time to see Scarlet fall again, before switching to the Shinra logo.

The title scene and music to Turk TV start up, which was basically just Reno playing Air Guitar to the jazzy Turk, theme tune, and the odd clip of the Turks fighting.

When it finally ends, Rude is sat in a small armchair, and looks uncomfortable.

"So, Mr. Rude, we didn't get to ask last episode, but what exactly is it that the Turks do?" That annoying voice, from the previous episode asks.

"We scout for Soldier candidates..."

"Is that it?"

"No..."

"Oh... So what else do you guys do?"

"Protect the public and Shinra from harm."

"So, is there any high points to being a Turk?"

"Yes..."

"Well... What are they?"

"Free booze..."

"Any downsides?"

"Yes..." Rude looks toward the camera, through his tinted shades, before continuing. "There's alot of late night missions, alot of secrets too... It really does a number on your personal life..."

"Is there anything else you'd like to say?"

"Yes..."

"Well?"

"I'd like to tell Mr. Jacob Keyes, that I know what he did last summer..." Rude pauses, to crack his fingers. "Mr Jacob Keyes, I know what you did last summer... Your a very sick person..."

The picture changes from Rude to Reno.

"Hello Reno."

"Hello Bob. Hello Mr. mysterious-annoying-voice-that-will-probably-be-revealed-in-a-later-episode."

"So, Reno, tell us, what do the Turks actually do?"

"Oh, we do loads of things, like this one time, at band camp, at least, I think it was band camp, I dunno, my memory's not to good these days, anyway, so there I was, at band camp, surrounded by, like ten thousand ninjas, all armed with those spinning blade thingy's and swords, lots of swords, like there was this one guy, that had like ten of them! Anyway, so there I was, surrounded by loads of ninja dudes, who all wanted to marry this woman because she had like glass slippers, don't ask me how she walked in those things mind, they were really uncomfortable when I tried them on... So anyway, they wanted to marry this chick, and I'm like 'No way dudes, she totally doesn't wanna be bugged by loads of ninja dudes, yo' and then they're like, 'you disrespect my honor, I will chop you into sushi!' and then I pulled out my Scarlet Witch handgun, and I'm like, 'suck on this dudes!' and shoot them all! My Scarlet Witch handgun like totally rocks yo!" Reno said in one go.

"So, you shot ten thousand ninjas with your Scarlet Witch handgun, without taking a single hit?"

"Yeah, I totally rock, yo!"

"Moving on... Reno, do you think there are any high points to being a Turk?"

"Yeah, the free booze... And the chicks totally dig the Turk suit, oh, and every time I go to the doctors, he always gives me a lollipop! You don't get that kind of treatment being a civilian I tell ya!"

"Ok-ay... Moving on... Again... Are there any downsides to this job?"

"Yeah, there's some downsides, like all the babies I have to kiss, and all the phone calls and letters and stories from fan-girls... Damn I hate those darn fan-girls, always wanting me to kiss that Yuffie chick... And that Tifa chick... And all the guys they want me to... Do things with... I tell ya, the next person that says 'yaoi' will be getting a visit from myself and Betty!"

"Erm... Is there anything you'd like to say to anybody?"

"Hell yeah! First, I'd like to say hi to my mum, my sixteen brothers and twelve sisters... That chick that lent me a cigarette on the train... That woman that was in my bed this morning... Erm... Oh! The pizza guy, you rock dude!"

"Well, that it for part one, join us for part two, after the break."

The title screen appears for a second, before the adverts start.

"You're watching the Shinra channel, all about Shinra, all the time, after Turk TV, we have 'Homemaking with Heidegger' followed by 'Rock with Rufus' and finally 'Porn with Palmer'. Stay Tuned." A female voice says.

"Do you get bored of your daily life? Doing the same thing, day in, day out. Want to visit new places around the world? Want to fight to protect your home? If so, join SOLDIER. Be the best." A deep voice says, while pictures of Soldiers helping out people play in the background.

"Like music? Like rock? Like Rufus? Join everybody's favorite Vice President as he talks to you, the viewer, about how much you like your brothers band, who nobodies ever heard of. Today at Ten."

"Just because your tough on the outside, and have a manly beard, doesn't mean that you can't like stitching, homemaking with Heidegger, after Turk TV, with special guest star Dr. Barett."

The Shinra logo comes up again, followed by the Turk TV logo.

"Welcome back to the second part of Turk TV, we're here with Reno and Rude, who are about to make a bust on what can be only described as a really, really bad man. Mr. Rude, what exactly has this man been doing?"

"He's a kiddy fiddler." The stoic man replied.

"You don't mean..."

"Yes, he steals kids fiddles..."

"Gasp! How despicable!"

"Yes, it is, what kind of world do we live in where we can't let our kids on the streets, for fear of their fiddles being stolen?" Reno asked, in an over-dramatic voice, he suddenly dropped to his knees and held his hands to the sky. "Why god why! Why do you let these kids have their fiddles taken! WHY!" He screamed, took a breath, and continued. "!"

"There, there man, it'll be ok, we'll get the bastard!" Rude said, and the two Turks stood up, swung their Electro-Mag-Rods into the air, and charged... In opposite directions... Rude stopped suddenly... "Um, Reno, that's the wrong way..."

So, with Reno turned around, the two Turks charged... Again... This time in the right direction...

A minute later, they had smashed down a door, and burst in, Bob the camera man, and the Mysterious voice ran into the house, when they got in, there was a fat man on the floor, who looked a lot like -...

"Don Corneo!" Rude shouted. "Where are those fiddles, you sick, sick man...?" The fat man burst into tears, which was a little difficult, considering his face was pinned down by a size twelve boot.

"Hey Rude, take a look at this!"

"Fiddles..." Rude said as he glanced at what Reno was holding.

"Your going down Corneo." Reno continued as Rude struggled to pick up the man and carry him outside, to a police car, he slammed him in the back, and wiped his gloved hands.

"Hey Rude, you ever notice how the cops cops always show up after somebody's already done the work?"

"It's one of life's great mystery's..."

"And so, we come to the end of another episode, join us next time, in Turk TV!" The annoying voice says, and the picture goes and the credit's roll.

Cueball's notes begin:

Ok, so you get two chapters in one go, you lucky, lucky people... Well... If anybody actually likes it, Madam Fluffy Pants (my beta reader) says she enjoyed it, but I think she was just being polite... Let me know what you guys think.

And no, I'm not like some writers, who'll only update when they reach a certain amount of reviews... Naming no names of-coarse, but I really hate those kind of people...

And people that use Japanese terms in their fics, like Chan, Kun, San, etc... That really annoys me...

Anyway, I'm not here to complain, just letting you guys know that life's hectic for me, exams, work, friends, sleep... They all get in the way, and it's rare that I even get to see a computer, let alone use one or the net, so the next update will probably be awhile, maybe this saturday...

As much as I dislike doing this, I've decided that this fic is going to follow the games timeline, starting just a little bit before the actual story and following it closely but not exactly, I'm changing a few things, to make the Turks look like the good guys. Told from different POVs, not just the cameras. Drama, horror, parody, humor and my sad attempt to mix them.

Pairings undecided, advice would be nice.

And remember, kiddy fiddling is not a joke... Stealing kids fiddles is a horrible thing, so I have set up a kiddy fiddling hotline and charity, send all your money to me, Cueball, and I will replace all of those poor kids, fiddles...

So yeah, next chapter, Avalanche attacks, Reno runs, Rude reads, Tseng twists, Elena enters, Bob bitches and Rufus rocks.


	3. Crazy Cat Lady

Eleanor Roosevelt, was a small woman, being small had lots of disadvantages, like everybody thinking you were a little kid, when you decided to wear that oversized shirt that hid in the back of your closet, or... Erm... Well... That was it really... Except for the fact that she had to look up at everybody...

But, with great disadvantages, comes great advantages, like... Er... Well... She was good at hiding, real good... When she last played it, the other kids didn't find her at all! Three hours she sat in a closet in complete silence, and when she finally came out, she found them playing video-games in her brothers room... _Ha, suckers, must've given up to my awesome hiding skills! _She had thought.

Then, later in life, she had realized that they had ditched her... And she had felt sad... Really sad... Sad and small...

So, during those late nights, after working in an office, she would cuddle up on her sofa, with her cat, Bubbles, and cry as she watched her soap operas, wishing her life was better...

Then one day, her cat run away, and she was sad... Er... Sadder... Really Sad and really small...

But she decided that the cat was one thing in her life that she needed... Along with a step ladder, so she could be the one looking down on people...

So she took a personal day, and set out on a valiant quest... To find Bubbles the cat...

First, she went to her apartment and picked up one of her photos, out of the hundreds she had taken over the past month, and went to the copy shop.

An hour later, the whole of the town of Icicle was covered in photos of a mad blond woman and a black, fat cat. With the words, 'Lost, beautiful pussy cat, as seen in above picture, if found please ring my number and ask for Elena.'

What she didn't realize though, was that she had forgotten to put her number on the leaflet... Being blond has serious effects on the brain... Or so I've been told...

So she continued handing out the leaflets to people on the street, and eventually came to the ski resort, figuring vacationers may have cat napped her cat, she decided to interrogate anybody suspicious.

She ran up to the doors, gave a flying kick... And fell on her ass... Then she realized... The doors opened outward... So she got up in a fit of fury, and practically ripped the door open.

Upon entering, she was greeted by a crowded room, everybody was gathered in a circle, screaming and shouting things like "Kick their asses!" "Yay Reno! Your so cool!"

Wondering what could possibly be happening, she tapped the nearest person on the shoulder and asked; "What's going on?"

"The Turks are here! With their camera crew, I wanna say hi to my girlfriend back home!" An excited man answered her.

Turks? Wait, weren't they off the TV? That bald guy, and that red head?

The little bundle of blondness jumped up and down excitedly, she was a big fan of them, from when she had first seen them on TV, a couple of weeks ago. She had finally found a life goal... To talk to the Turks, and a chance to meet them, like this, didn't come that often, so, she abandoned her first quest, and for once, used her smallness as an advantage, and weaved through the crowd.

When she got to the front of the group, she saw three blue suited men and a camera man, ducking and dodging through blades, that a bunch of men, dressed in ninja suits were using. The three Turks were swinging their Electro Mag Rods around, parrying them with the swords, and the sparks were flying.

Wait, three Turks?

Wasn't their just Reno and Rude?

Elena turned to a woman next to her, and asked; "Who's that other Turk, the one with black hair?"

"Tseng I think his name was... I dunno... Yea! Nice move!" The woman shouted and turned back to the fight, when Elena turned to the fight, she noticed that this Tseng guy had defeated his opponent, who was now on his back, electricity flashing across his body, she looked at the other two Turks, Reno spun on his heel, and let loose a bolt of electrical energy, and Rude had slammed his hand into the ground, and sent a shock-wave at his enemy, the last two ninjas fell to the floor, twitching and the Turks quickly put away their mag rods and turned to the crowd.

"..." Tseng and Rude said nothing to the cheering crowd, retaining their stoicnessness... But Reno... Well... Reno... Danced... Before walking around the crowd and signing autographs...

"Thank you! We'll be here all week! No, really!" Reno shouted, and the crowd seeming to get bored, began to scatter, leaving only the Turks, Bob, and a few fans, including Elena.

"Erm... Can we help you?" Rude said, as he looked at Elena and the other fans.

The Turks intimidating figure and attire caused the rest of the people, excluding Elena, to back of and go back to their business.

"Erm... Mr. Rude... Mr. Reno... Sirs... I was erm... Wondering... That is to say... Erm... Can you sign this?" Elena managed to stutter out, Rude turned to Reno and they shared a grin.

"You want us to sign a picture of yourself and a... Cat...?" Rude asked, his eyebrow arching...

"Hey Rude, that looks like that cat you found this morning!" Reno said, as he jumped up and down behind Rude, barely managing to look over his shoulder.

Elena's eyes burst into flames, and she tackled the bald Turk.

"What did you do with my cat, bastard!" She screamed at him, maybe an inch or two away from his face.

Now Rudolph Jacques was a tough man, he'd grown up in a Mafia family, had worked as a Turk for over six years now, and had seen action on every continent out there.

Very little scared him, but out of the things that did scare him, this was one of them.

A crazy blond woman, ready to kill him over a cat.

If he wasn't such a tough man, and had strict control over his bladder... He would of wet himself...

The screaming woman's mouth, started to foam, she looked like a dog ready to snap at it's prey.

So he did the only thing he could, he attempted to pull his mag rod out... But before he could, the crazy lady whacked it away, he looked at the other men for help.

That's when the woman began spasm, and eventually fall over, Rude looked up, and saw Tseng, with his mag rod held out in front of him.

"Um... Thanks..." Rude managed to say as he stood up, he looked down at the crazy lady. "What are we gonna do with her?"

"Lets tie her to a tree, paint her blue and cover her in dog food, then let a pack of dogs loose on her!" Reno shouted excitedly, and jumped up and down, before continuing. "Nobody messes with Reno of the Turks!"

"Reno... She attacked Rude, not you..."

"Thats what I said!"

"No you didn't..."

"Pff... You just hate me cause I'm green..." Reno said, pouted and walked away.

"Go, don't let him get away." Tseng said to Bob, the camera man, who nodded and followed after the red head.

The Turk leader turned to his subordinate and the crazy lady. "Take her back to the hotel, give her the cat."

Rude nodded, picked up the fuzzy blond with little effort, and walked away, meanwhile, Tseng pulled out his wallet and flipped through it. "I hope the barman takes plastic..." He said to himself, then walked in the general direction of the bar.

----

Roughly an hour later, and Elena finally came around, what she first noticed, was that she was tied to a chair.

The second thing she noticed, was that the ropes were really tight.

The last thing she noticed, was a bald man, with her cat, sat on the bed in front of her, she grunted and attempted to get up, to very little avail.

The bald man stroked the cat gently, behind it's ear, and it let out a purr... Then she realized something... If the man was to move his pinky to his mouth, and start laughing a stupid laugh, he'd look just like that mad man, out of that film she watched the other day... What was he called...? Dr. Evil...?

"You did a very stupid thing today..." He finally spoke.

"Huh?" She asked, then she noticed something else, she'd been gagged...

"You attacked me, crazy cat lady... People shouldn't attack me... It makes me angry... You wouldn't like me when I'm angry..."

"Hff fuff fof fuffy!" She tried to ask.

Rude stood up, and gently placed the cat down on her lap.

"I'm going to go and make a phone call, I'll be back in a moment." He said and walked to the door.

As the door closed, Elena, fearing what the Turk would do upon his return, started to struggle about, in an attempt to get the ropes to loosen, all this served to do though, was to wake up her sleeping cat.

Then an idea hit her.

"Fuffles! Fhafen for flafs!" The cat cocked it's head to the side, as it looked up at her head, it's mouth opened wide as it yawned and lied down again.

Elena sighed.

She was going to die here, in some fancy hotel, because she attacked a bald man in a suit...

Suddenly, she thought to herself, that maybe her old life wasn't so bad...

Sure, being an assistant had it's downsides, but at-least it wasn't life threatening...

She tilted her head backward, to look at the ceiling, which somehow shifted her weight and made the chair rock...

Another idea hit her just then, as she struggled to right the chair.

She placed her feet in front of herself, and shifted her weight forward, as she did this, the cat jumped from her, and Elena landed on her feet.

To say she looked odd there, bent at an angle, with a chair tied to her back, was an understatement.

She walked a couple of steps forward, and looked around the room, for something she could use to break herself free with.

Not alot... There was a big TV, three beds, a sofa and that was it, she sighed again, and noticed an open suitcase on the bed, inside it were a variety of weapons, laid in a foam substances, she assumed it was to keep them still during transit.

----

Outside of the apartment, and Rude was on the phone.

"Yeah... Icicle... Bout' a week... First thing when I get back... Yeah, love you too baby... Bye..." The bald man clicked a button on his mobile, and replaced it back into his pocket, then he turned to go back inside, before a voice stopped him.

"Hey Rude, how's it goin'?" The loudmouth Reno said as himself and Bob came down the hallway, carrying what appeared to be an unconscious Tseng between them.

Rude sighed, half past ten in the morning and this day had been one of his worst so far.

First he'd gotten up late, then Reno had used up all the hot water, so he'd had to have a cold shower, then Tseng had used the last of the coffee... Then they'd been attacked by Ninjas, sent by Lord Godo to assassinate Shinra's lap dogs, then he'd been jumped by a crazy cat lady, and now finally, his boss was drunk before he was... Great...

The bald headed Turk turned to the door, waited for the other two to catch up to him and opened it... What he didn't expect though, was the crazy cat lady, to be holding her cat in one hand, and a Scarlet Witch handgun in the other, she fires a volley of shots at the Turks, all of which miss, but it doesn't fail to catch their attention.

"This is a Scarlet witch handgun, the power-fullest handgun in creation, it holds a twelve bullet clip... Now you gotta ask yourself one thing, did I fire eleven shots, or twelve?" Elena says as she holds the weapon in her hand, Rude slowly reaches up and into her jacket, the blonde stops him as she continues speaking. "Go ahead, punk, make my day." She says, in her best tough guy voice, and aims the weapon toward his private region.

"What do you want?" Rude asks.

"I wanna be a Turk, like you guys." The blond says.

"Hn..." The bald man says, he flicks his wrist, and his mag rod extends, before she can react, she's been whacked over the head, and on the floor in pain.

"Actually, the Scarlet Witch only holds ten bullets, with an extended clip, you could change that to twenty five... You only shot ten bullets, meaning you'd be out of ammo, right? But you forgot the one in the chamber, meaning it could fire a possible eleven before being needed to be reloaded." Rude says as he examines the weapon.

He fires the last shot at the fallen blond, and she screams in pain... She continues to scream for a couple of minutes, before she realizes that it's only a dull ache, and a small bruise.

"You didn't actually think we'd leave weapons and real ammunition around did you? They're blanks..." He says, and drops the weapon at her feet.

"You mean you knew I'd escape?"

"This has all been a test, Eleanor, welcome to the Turks."

----

Cueball's Notes begin!

What to say about this chapter? Not alot really, I was aiming for a drama chapter, with some comedy mixed in.

It was mainly just to introduce Elena, and build her character a little, maybe I should have worked on Tseng's too... But meh, it was getting kind of long, so next Chapter will be a Tseng one...

I've always seen Elena as a TV addict of sorts, so I decided to make her one, I dunno why, but the thought of Elena, holding a cat and saying that Dirty Harry quote, makes me chuckle, the same goes for Rude being a Dr. Evil looky likey. Hmm... Maybe I'll write a fic, with each chapter based on a film, parody's of coarse.

Not enough Reno, or Bob in this chapter, so that's probably why it's not as funny or random as previous ones.

I can't really get inside Tseng's head, so to speak. I find him difficult to write, and when I do write about him, or from his perspective, I tend to find it rubbish, so I don't use him alot, he will feature heavily though, over however many chapters this is going to be.

The attack Tseng uses, in the miniature fight scene, with the Turks and the Ninjas, was not detailed on purpose, seeing as how I don't know what weapon he uses, and Rude uses a mag rod in Advent Children, when he attempts to take on Cloud, I figured Tseng would have one too, I mean, it'd be pretty stupid to go against a big sword with your bare hands right? I decided not to give him a gun, simply because I could, it wouldn't be a good fight if he just pulls out a gun a pops a cap in a ninjas ass.

Anyway, the reason he uses an electrical attack? Well, Reno has Neo Turk Light, with is basically a lightning ball he fires at someone, and Rude has Grand Spark, I can't actually remember what he does in that move, but I assume it's electrical, seeing as how it has 'Spark' in the name, it's been a while since I last played. Anyway, I figured if the other have one, Tseng should have one too.

I did say last chapter that Rufus would rock, Avalanche would attack, Rude would read, Reno would run and Tseng would twist, well, I couldn't fit it all in, so it'll probably be next chapter.

Now, onto the reviews I received:

zephyree: Yeah, it's kinda crazy, but everybody's a little crazy sometimes, some more than others.

Nando the RPS King: Thanks for your comment, I hope this chapter was mad enough for you, and if not, then I'll make up for it next chapter. And the Challenge you gave me in your review for 'The After Party', for a Rude/Yuffie fic is almost done, based on the fight to get into the shuttle in Rocket Town.

Nyviay and Cyraxis: I'm not sure if your one person, or joint authors, but well, you guys rock! Weebl and Bob? I used to visit that site alot, but I haven't had the chance to since I lost my home internet, I get like an hour a week to browse the net, and most of that time is spent reading stories, writing reviews, updating my stories, emailing friends, and reading web-comics, the whole pie thing didn't really have anything to do with those little egg things, my sisters friend, he's about six or something, he was in the same room with me as I was writing, and he kept shouting things about pies... Yeah... Inspiration... Cough... Anyway, after watching 'Kung Fu Hustle' I'd have to agree with you about the ninjas/martial artists/Guys out for revenge for their fallen master... And yes, Dr. Barett was in one of my other fics, Turk Stupidity, glad you remember and like him, lol, he will be appearing in a later episode... 50 reviews? Heh, it had only just gone up when you reviewed, but I'm glad you like it. Those Tv shows were harder than you think to come up with, I couldn't think of a show for Scarlet, so I just stuck her in a Gorge Foremen parody advert and gave Palmer the show, heh, I think just the thought of Palmer would turn anybody away. Oh, and about the challenge you left in your review of 'The After Party, I've begun writing it, almost done, and it ties in with 'The After Party' sort of like a prequel. And your idea for pairing everybody with each other intrigues me, be sure to let me know if your doing it, and if you need any help with it, like a collaboration or something, my email address is in my profile.

I've talked too much for now, so let me tell you what's hopefully gonna happen next chapter:

Avalanche bombs a reactor, Rude goes on a date, Reno runs the rookie through training, and Tseng helps with Rufus' show.

And let me just use this little space to advertise my newest fic, 'The Good, The Bad And the Blonde' A major event in each of the Turks lives, from Tseng's POV, in the second person, be sure to check it out, and let me know what you think.


	4. Paint It Pink

"Ah, it's good to be back in Midgar!" An over enthusiastic red head said, as he jumped from a landing helicopter, of coarse, with the noise of the spinning blades, nobody actually heard him.

Rude stepped out second, rubbing his temples, as though it would stop his forming headache, followed by Tseng, who was helping out an over-talkative Elena. And a motion sick Bob.

The Leader and Rookie had been talking all the way from Icicle, and the blatant flirting Elena had been using was sickening... True, she wasn't exactly a Supermodel, but she wasn't that bad either...

Regardless though, Rude didn't want to be around to witness more of a schoolgirl crush unfold, he was jet lagged, tired, sweaty and he had a date in two hours time... So he did what any normal man would do, given his situation, he ditched work, left his phone on his desk and sneaked out through the stairway, he noted how easy it was to get in and out of the building, without being noticed... Maybe he should say something to Tseng about it...

_Later... _He thought to himself, as he walked out of the building, and towards his apartment, to shower and get ready for his date.

----

Meanwhile, in the Turks office, Reno was stood in front of an old cupboard, looking through the few boxes it contained, he spun on his heel suddenly, a metal stick, with a spiked ball on the end in his hand.

"Yo, how about this? See it's got spikes, so it's not really girly, I guess you could paint it pink or something..." He thrust it toward to ex-crazy cat lady with a big smile. "Here, try it out!"

The blond carefully held out her hand, and took a hold of it, but as soon as Reno let go, the weight of it surprised her, and she toppled over.

Reno sighed loudly, and picked the weapon up with ease. He threw it over his shoulder quickly, and there was a loud crash as it smashed through the window, fell for sixty floors, and hit Vice President Rufus' brand new Ferrari.

This was getting annoying now, that was the fourth weapon he had given her.

The first one was a shotgun, when she tried to fire it, she was thrown backward by the force of the recoil.

The second was a Chain-saw, mainly aimed as a joke, but she tried it anyway... And ended up destroying Rude's office... The bald guy wasn't in, so Reno figured he could replace all those one of a kind memorabilia he had from his childhood, before he got back.

The third was a strange contraption, that looked vaguely like a giant fan, with mousetraps stuck on, spray-painted red, he figured it was from that time he had put super-glue in a water gun, and had declared war against Rude... The whole forty fifth floor had been taken out, as the two Turks had fought... The red head remembered he hadn't been able to use his hands for a month, from that time on, he promised himself that he would never use super-glue again... Except to put on toilet seats, in the restrooms...

Reno sighed again, and turned back to the closet, he looked through another box, and found something that she might be able to use, he was about to pick it up, before Elena interrupted him.

"Hey, Reno, why can't I have one of these?" The rookie asked, Reno turned around to see what she was talking about, and noticed she was holding his most prized possession, Betty... Betty the Mag Rod...

"Because your just a rookie, your not qualified to use that, now give it back!" Reno said through gritted teeth, as he made a move to get it.

"You want it?" Elena asked as she spun the stick in her hand, and took a step backwards.

"Yeah! Give it me, yo!" Reno shouted as he took another step forward.

"Heh, you really want it?" Elena asked with a cocky grin.

"Give it back you little brat!" Reno shouted, as he stared at the weapon, like a junkie would do to his last serving.

"Come and get it, bastard!" Elena retorted and spun the weapon around in her hand again, to taunt him.

"Tough words Barbie girl, you'll- Wait! Don't touch-! OUCH!" You could pretty much guess what had happened.

"Hehe." Elena laughed. "You said you wanted it." She did her own little victory dance, and was halfway through it, before a voice interrupted her.

"Elena, I'd appreciate it, if you stopped hurting my Turks..." Tseng said as he walked into the office, Elena bowed her head, to avoid showing her flushed face, and a gave a standard 'yes, sir'.

Tseng walked over to them, and nudged Reno with his foot. The red head replied with an "Ow..." before his head collapsed to the floor.

The Turk leader sighed, and walked away, into Rude's office, he walked out a second later, with an eyebrow raised.

"Elena... Why is there a wall missing from Rude's office? And why is all of his stuff in shredded pieces...?"

Elena took a deep breath, unsure on whether or not to tell the truth... "I..." She started, luckily for her, or more for the fact that the author wants her alive, Tseng's phone went off.

"Hold on a second..." The raven haired Turk said, as he fished out his phone and answered the call...

"Tseng here... Yes Rufus... No sir, I don't know why there's a mace embedded in your new car... No sir, I don't know why it has a 'Turk property' sign on it... Yes sir, I'll be there in a minute..."

Tseng looked to the shattered window, he walked over to it and looked out, to see the Vice President, sixty floors down, examining a mace, and his Ferrari.

"Was Reno trying to find you a weapon?" The man asked as he looked to Elena.

The fuzzy blond nodded from her bowed position.

"Hn... Tell him I wish to talk to him... When he wakes up..." Tseng said to her, and left the room.

Elena stood there for a couple of minutes, before a voice broke the silence.

"Do you think he's gone?" It came in a whispered tone.

"Who?" Elena whispered back.

"The pope! Christ, who else has been in here in the last five minutes, did I miss a party or something!" The whispered voice came again.

"Yeah, I think he's gone..."

"Good!" Reno's voice came from the ground, before she knew it, the red head was up on his feet, and had a hold of his prized Betty.

"What the-? How come your not-?" Elena was unsure of what to ask.

The red head pointed to his wrist, where a ball of lightning Materia was placed in a defense slot. "Yo, you don't actually think I'd let my own weapon hurt me, do you?" Reno asked.

Elena was at a loss for words, too much had happened to her today, so when Reno grabbed her hand, and started to drag her along, she didn't object, but only asked; "Where are we going?"

"It's your fault I'm in trouble... So we're going to hide until this thing blows over, I've got the perfect place, it'll be the last place they'll ever look!"

"Where?"

"Rude's Bathtub!"

----

"Sir, with all due respect... I'm not a TV star... I don't like cameras..."

"Well, tough look Tseng, one of your Turks did this to my car, and now your paying the price... Quick, Put these on!" Rufus said, and held out a pair of hot pants.

"Though your my superior, and your father owns Shinra, if you try to make me wear anything like that, I won't be hesitant to hurt you." Tseng replied, as he looked over the bright pink, short shorts.

The Turk leader allowed himself to shiver at the thought of himself in those... Things... Before Rufus' voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Okay, so the hot pants are out... What about these...?" The Vice President asked, as he held out some women's underwear. The look Tseng gave him could have killed a dragon. "Ok-ay... I'm gonna take that as a no..."

"Why can't I just wear this suit?"

"Because it's a rock show, man! Ozzy Osbourne is gonna be biting a rats head off live, and your gonna be stood next to him in a suit, it just totally defeats the purpose! This show is to stick it to the man, not advertise them!"

"Even though you and your father happen to be the man... Erm... Men..."

"Thats besides the point... Now, how are you with the whole gothic thing?"

"..."

----

"Reno, it's kinda cramped in here..." Elena whispered, as she tried to find a better position.

"Yeah, yeah, a little quieter Barbie." Reno replied, as he too shifted. "Shit." His voice came.

"What?"

"It's stuck."

"What's stuck?"

"My rod, it's stuck, I can't move it."

"Reno, there's nothing for it to get stuck on, just slowly take it out, and put it somewhere else, your such a klutz..."

"Yo, it's not as easy as that, I can't move it at all..."

"Maybe it's just too big, can't you make it shrink?"

"I could if I could reach it, Barbie... As much as I hate to ask... could you just give me a hand... Yeah, thats it, give it a good yank..."

Elena did just as she was told, and took a hold of the rod, she pulled, pushed and twisted it, until she finally managed to move it. Reno let out a little chuckle, as he finally had a hold of his most prized possession...

"Ah, Betty, your finally with me!" He kissed the mag rod and smiled brightly, before he turned back to the grill in front of him. "Thats odd..."

"What now?" Elena asked, as she moved further along the vent shaft, she lied beside Reno and glanced through the grill.

"Rude's singing..." The red head said, as he watched the bald man do a little spin, and sing into his toothbrush. "He never sings."

"Reno, you ever think that maybe you know too much about Rude?"

"Yeah, what's your point? Are you saying I shouldn't spy on my best friend? That I should just sit by and let him get on with his life? That I shouldn't check all the messages on his voice mail? That I-" Reno's little rant was cut of as Elena kicked him.

"Shh! He'll hear us!"

At the bang of Elena's foot, Rude looked up and toward the vent, wondering what the banging could be, he figured it was that old woman, which smelled like fish, in the apartment above his.

For some reason, she had always hated Rude's singing, which was one of the main reasons he didn't sing, but today he was happy, and he felt like singing, although, feeling a little guilty for the old fish smelling lady, he stuck his toothbrush into his mouth and began to hum instead.

The bald man soon finished his brushing and spat the liquid into the sink, he glanced up into the mirror.

"Looking sharp, Rude." He said, then placed his sunglasses back on, and walked into the living room.

Reno and Elena meanwhile, looked to each other.

"Why was he singing?"

"The last time I saw him singing, he was going out on a date later... So that must mean..."

"He's not as big a dork as you?"

"Yes! Wait, what? Dork? Who you calling a dork Barbie!"

The two Turks gave each other a death stare, and, as one, decided on not killing the other... At least until Rude wasn't there... And they weren't in a very tight vent...

"I'm not gonna kill you, because Rude'll make me pay to clean your brains from his toilet..."

"And I'm not gonna kill you because I don't want to make a bad impression..."

"So attacking him over a cat, almost shooting him, and flirting with our boss for the seven hour flight back in front of Rude, is not making a bad impression?"

"... What are we gonna do now?"

Cueball's Notes Begin:

I did want to write a longer chapter... But this chapter has been in the making for a week or two... Or three... Regardless though, I decided to just end it here, so I've got more options for the next chapter, and to let you guys know I'm not dead yet...

Erm, what to say about this chapter? Not alot really, just a filler, working up to Avalanches first attack.

Rude's mystery date, Hn, I didn't really think it through, which was one of the ways I wanted to cut this chapter short, original character, or an in-game one? I've got a good idea for an original, never before done pairing. But your opinions and or guesses would be nice.

I did say this was gonna be a Tseng chapter, but well, it just didn't work out... He will get one though... Just not anytime soon...

I have to say I really like the fics, were Reno and Elena fight all the time, but for this, I wanted them to work together, but with a little arguing... The idea for the weapon searching came from the fact that I didn't have a clue what weapon she uses in the game, I do now mind, but while I was playing, I felt bad for the Turks, so I skipped the last fight... And if you get any dirty thoughts about the little vent scene, it was intentional to an extent, but only meant as a joke, don't take offense.

Reviews:

zephyree: Thanks alot for your nice comment, it brings a smile to my face :-)

Nyviay and Cyraxis: Hopefully this chapter made up for the lack of Renoness... Er... Randomness... Last time... I don't really have a clue about how Turks are actually chosen, but judging from Before Crisis, they tend to just get hired like a normal job... Elena sending of a application didn't really seem all that funny, so I twisted it a little... Sorry about the lack of Tseng this time, like I said a couple paragraphs upward, there will be one, eventually... Lack of internet Suxx0rs, but I can cope, thanks to my new PSP... Anyway, Cyraxis, sucks that Nyviay hasn't played the game. You should force her to play it, by penalty of death, either that, or just get her to read the games transcript, you can find it on Game FAQs, it's a big help when your writing story related... Stories... Dr. Barett WILL be in next time, where he'll be forced to make a choice...

Nando: Hn, maybe... I dunno though, gun fights tend to be short, and/or boring. But anyway, if you ever get stuck in a rut, just add ninjas, water and viola, instant plot!

Next chapter:

Dr. Barett has a hard choice to make, Elena and Reno hide behind bushes and get to know each other, while Tseng goes goth, and Rude... Well... You'll just have to see...


End file.
